Teleportation

Teleportation:

If you’re anything like me, you will have spent many a futile hour day-dreaming about teleportation. How cool would it be to transport ourselves huge distances quicker than it takes to shake a lamb’s tail? No more tedious car journeys, no more mind numbing train travel and best of all, no more mingling with the obnoxious hoi polloi in crowded airports. If I could teleport, I’d zap myself everywhere in a blink. Zap out of bed to the car in the morning, zap back when I realise I have no clothes on, zap into the shower, zap into some funky clothes and finally zap myself directly to the shops as it dawns on me that I don’t need the useless junk of automotive metal my sleep befuddled brain first zapped me into when I woke up.

So how can I make my dreams (and perhaps yours) a reality? Well fortunately for all of us, crazy mad scientists the whole world over are even now dreaming up new ways of twisting the very laws of physics to enable us to transport ourselves almost instantaneously to our destinations, or if not instantly at least as fast as the speed of light.

This (admittedly scientifically naïve) article will show you the popular methods which you can employ to realise your full travelling potential. 

Dematerlisation or how to lose loss of weight instantly:

First up is the oh-so-fun sounding dematerialisation. In this particular game of astral roulette, the mad scientist will place you on (or possibly in) some kind of machine designed to scan the properties and position of every single atom in your grotesque/sublime (delete as applicable) body. Once all the atoms are scanned the data will be sent to a remote location where the atoms will be reformed using whatever handy molecules happen to be nonchalantly kicking around. Make no mistake though, there are lots of these little atomic critters in your body which need to be copied, roughly 10 to the power of 28 atoms, which despite the deceptively small sounding integers is actually quite a mind bogglingly large number. The net result is a new “you” formed at the destination which is an exact copy of the original “you”.

There’s always a catch however and this method comes with a bloody great big whale hook. In order to scan your body down to the atomic level in this manner, it requires your original beautiful self to be completely destroyed. Utterly annihilated in fact, which is a sure fire way to ruin anyone’s afternoon. His work in quantum physics led him to assert his Uncertainty Principle which basically states that it’s impossible to know both the exact position and exact velocity of an object at the same time. This is a bit of a bugger for the mad teleportation scientists who need to know the exact position and velocity of each atom in your body so they can recreate them precisely at the teleportation destination.